I Choose Love

Everyday it seems they take more of what makes us away. I used to get a new page when I wanted...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 16:30:20 -0400

Everyday it seems they take more of what makes us away. I used to get a new page when I wanted to write, and now they confine me to this little box of ill imagined possibility. What do they want of us? Except to make us swine? Each day I see the posts a little less, a little smaller, filled with tiny misspelled words, and overused vocabulary. What happened to above and beyond? What happened to skylines and horizons where the stars were our guide? Maybe this is what happens when 20 something becomes more like 27, and thirty is a word that sounds a little bit like I’m a grown up.

Impending birthdays sometimes have a way of making you think about things, and life seems less like splendor and more like something I’ve been doing for awhile. But it can’t be just that. I look at the roads I’ve taken high roads of hope and low trails of circumstance. In the rear view it all kind of looks like life in the undergrowth. I am grateful for that. I feel good about the rocks in my shoes and the dirt on my feet, the skinned knees, the bumps and the bruises. I wonder what I’m supposed to be learning next.

I just recently came home for a visit, and it has proven very difficult not to draw comparisons of my last trip home. I have thought about my father so many days of my life, and the year that followed are falling out have been no different. I think often about how I am probably his least favorite idea of a daughter. I think about how much shame a person can feel in the course of a lifetime, and how useless it is to feel worthless like that. I have robbed myself of happiness by trying to fix something that just is. My parents decided to have me, and now I’m stuck with this life. I’m here and it is now and forever my personal responsibility not waste it on becoming someone else’s idea of myself.

I would be lying if I said I did this all on my own. For some reason I cannot understand I am loved, but I have stopped asking why and started asking only what is possible in that light. I have been happier with myself for it. I think of Rumi everyday, “Let the lover be.” Yes. I see the bulbs begin to flicker with comprehension. I feel myself finally coming back around, out of the smoky collapse of what I thought was right for myself. Sometimes I think I may find myself again, sometimes in the quiet I think I may meet myself along this road. My soul bubbles with anticipation, but I feel older and softer and patient. I think that’s good too.

"It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not..."

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 15:20:30 -0400

“It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”

- Unknown (via perfect)

allinye: THOSE WHO HAUNT THE EARTH: LILITH Lilith is a figure...

Tue, 07 May 2013 22:57:38 -0400

allinye:

THOSE WHO HAUNT THE EARTH: LILITH

Lilith is a figure in Jewish mythology, developed earliest in the Babylonian Talmud, who is generally thought to be derived from a class of female demons (Līlīṯu) in Mesopotamian texts. In Jewish folklore, from the eighth- tenth centuries Alphabet of Ben Sira and onward, Lilith becomes Adam’s first wife, created at the same time and from the same earth as her husband. This contrasts with Eve, who was created from one of Adam’s ribs. The legend was greatly developed during the Middle Ages. In the 13th Century writings of Rabbi Isaac ben Jacob ha-Cohen, for example, Lilith left Adam after she refused to become subservient to him. Adam complained to God, and three angels were sent to bring Lilith back to Eden, although she refused to return. Eventually, Lilith became a lover to demons, producing one hundred offspring a day. When she did not return to Adam, God punished her by taking away her children. Lilith was believed to haunt new mothers and their infants, especially sons. She was also viewed as a seductress, using men to create her demonic children.

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under..."

Thu, 02 May 2013 00:12:06 -0400

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.”

- Eve Ensler (via oceanghosts)

"Sex is not a goddamn performance. Sex should feel as natural as drinking water. It should not..."

Wed, 01 May 2013 21:05:46 -0400

“Sex is not a goddamn performance. Sex should feel as natural as drinking water. It should not require confidence.
Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe. Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire.
You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan, laugh. It’s not about being “good in bed.” It’s about being happy.
One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges and whims define that. It’s enough.
What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you. Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We got time. We got infinite rhythms, combinations, possibilities. Explore each fuck. Take our time. We can do a different one later.
Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be. I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this.
I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want. It’s originality. It’s passion. It’s joy. Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception.
I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall, if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way.
“Good in bed,” what. You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you. Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel. This isn’t a test.”

- (via floralnymph)

"Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that’s how we’ve got to live."

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 02:59:02 -0400

“Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that’s how we’ve got to live.”

- Haruki Murakami (via jaimelannister)

Drinking down

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 02:39:40 -0400

All the things I don’t have words for seem to find themselves a place to bed between heart breaks and fault lines of disappointment. The words will come, and for now this shameful thing I dare to call my tumblr will wait. Till then the bartender will grant me another, and make it a cold one.

Photo

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 04:28:16 -0400

Photo

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 04:26:42 -0400

Photo

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 21:34:52 -0400

petit-poids: Luke Jinks

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:59:20 -0500

petit-poids:

Luke Jinks

dreamingforthatday: (via निर्वाण on we heart it / visual...

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:47:25 -0500

dreamingforthatday:

(via निर्वाण on we heart it / visual bookmark #16228216)

likeafieldmouse: W. B. Yeats, The Mermaid

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:45:31 -0500

likeafieldmouse:

W. B. Yeats, The Mermaid

sleepingtigers: To anyone that struggles with anxiety, or depression, or episodes: you are not a...

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:01:56 -0500

sleepingtigers:

To anyone that struggles with anxiety, or depression, or episodes: you are not a burden, and an honest friend would never think so. Fuck anyone who makes you feel small because of it. You have lived this far every day with it, and you’re the strongest person there is because of it. Never forget that.

"The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste..."

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 20:01:45 -0500

“The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

- Ernest Hemingway (via paula-valeria)

Back to the beginning with you

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 03:59:23 -0500

Is there a place for me? Somewhere, out there?? Will I find my happiness? My calling? Am I worthy of love? I ask these things earnestly in the dark, alone, when the quiet creeps into the smallest spaces of my heart. I hear the sadness talking inside me, heartbreak and abandonment. People sometimes cannot understand the strength it takes to keep these shadows of my past a healthy distance from my everyday. I close my eyes and I see my father’s face. A picture of disdain and regret of having such a daughter. I wonder what kind of man could love me. I see your face, and how the lightness in your eyes is like nothing I have known. You make me feel like light upon the air, a thousand glowing molecules, excited to be seen. I have never known peace like what I have found upon your chest. And I pray someday for the courage to tell you. It seems trite…doing this this way. It’s all I have for the moment. I’ll take it. I used to hate this kind of honesty. I used to hate giving a shit.

Except, now. Is it possible to take it all back? Is it possible to look at your life and say, “ok, i get it.” or, “I want this.” Please? I never thought I’d ever have something I wanted, and yet… life is strange and bittersweet. I can feel myself slipping through the cracks even now. I hear myself whispering about the veil, waiting for someone to lift it, to tell me that I was never worth loving. It’s a terrible gamble I play with my heart.

======================================================

I’m tired, and in the fading hours of an evening extended I find that sometimes I ask the wrong questions.

So how could my life bring a mixed up girl barely swimming the surface to the wake of a love still warm and lapping at her chest?? The truth is I don’t care. The truth is he feels like home. The truth is being with him feels as if I have arrived in a space so free and clear that nothing else matters. I haven’t felt that before. How did this happen? Do I have to let this go too? For the first time in my “fuck off I’m twenty something” phase of life I’m scared of losing something I’ve never had the courage to let myself feel before. It’s been keeping me up nights, and I know the only choice I have is to look upon tomorrow and say resolutely that I will love each day I am given.

I’m screwed.

bookshelfporn: Readings Nooks, the best kind of nooks. (via...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 02:46:48 -0500

bookshelfporn:

Readings Nooks, the best kind of nooks.

(via ohhnaahn)

Health: Drink plenty of...

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:44:20 -0500

Health:

Drink plenty of water.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

Play more games.

Read more books than you did in 2011.

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

Sleep for 7 hours.

Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Don’t over do. Keep your limits.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

Dream more while you are awake.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Smile and laugh more.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

Call your family often.

Each day give something good to others.

Forgive everyone for everything.

Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

Try to make at least three people smile each day.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

Do the right thing!

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

The best is yet to come.

Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Photo

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:36:57 -0500

"He dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to..."

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 05:10:13 -0500

“He dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her. Petra Cotes, for her part, loved him more and more as she felt his love increasing, and that was how in the ripeness of autumn she began to believe once more in the youthful superstition that poverty was the servitude of love. Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, and the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude. Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of loving each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.”

- Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude (via larmoyante)